Step Nine – A Patient’s Wild Ride Trying to Make Things Right

Alright, so Step Nine. “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” Seriously, the first time I spotted that on the wall in group during private addiction treatment, my gut just dropped…the step where all the skeletons tumble out of the closet and I can’t shove them back in.

Honestly, my first thought was, “Crap, now I have to actually face everyone I’ve screwed over.” And let me tell you, that’s not a short list. My addiction wasn’t just my own personal dumpster fire; it kind of lit up everyone around me, too. Friends, family, people at work, even some randoms who were just in the blast radius. Nobody really got out unscathed, and in therapy, I had to finally admit that.

The Difference Between an Apology and Amends

Before I landed in private addiction treatment, I had this genius idea that if I just kept saying “sorry” enough, people would eventually just forgive me and let it all go. Turns out, nope – that’s not how it works. Apparently, there’s a big difference between saying “My bad” and actually making amends. Experts explain that apologies acknowledge guilt, but amends require real action to rebuild trust.

An apology is like, “Hey, I feel crappy about what I did.” But amends? That’s more like, “Yeah, I did mess up, and I’m going to do something real to fix it.” Sometimes that means coughing up money I owe. Or returning stuff I “borrowed” and never gave back. Or just actually showing up for people, over and over, until maybe – just maybe – they start to trust me again. That’s the kind of lesson that really sunk in for me through private addiction treatment – it’s about action, not just words.

The fear, though? Man, it almost knocked me out before I even started. What if they slam the door in my face? Or give me that look that says, “You’ve gotta be kidding me if you think this fixes anything.” Or worse – what if they’re just done with me, period? My counsellor kept drilling into my head during private addiction treatment: “You’re not here to control how they react. Step Nine is about owning your stuff and doing what’s right. Don’t add more damage.”

Before, I thought making amends was just one awkward conversation and boom, done. Turns out, it’s a whole process. We actually rehearse what to say. We talk about the worst-case scenarios. I slog through all the shame and guilt that pops up (and trust me, it pops up a lot). During treatment, you don’t get to avoid that – you work through it.

Sometimes the Other Person’s Just Not Ready

Sometimes they never will be. Sucks, but that’s life. Step Nine isn’t just for them, it’s for me too.

I’ve only checked a couple names off my list so far, but here’s what’s wild – I actually feel lighter. Like, less weighed down by all that old baggage. I’m starting to respect myself more, because doing this stuff is hard and awkward and kind of heroic, honestly. A few relationships are on the mend. Others? No idea. Maybe they’ll never heal, but at least I tried.

Step Nine, for me, is about making peace. Not just with other people, but with myself. I can’t delete my screw-ups, but I can try to live in a way that honours the fact I hurt people by not hurting them again. That’s the person I want to be when I finally walk out of private addiction treatment – someone who actually does better, not just talks about it.

If you’re ready to start your own recovery journey and take steps like these, the team at Ocean Bay Recovery can help you find the support, tools, and guidance you need.

Visit OceanBayRecovery.com or call +27 10 500 2171 today.